Monday, May 30, 2011

Extreme Makeover Weight Loss: Episode 1 Recap

This recap comes with a confession...I love weight loss television shows.  Is it because I have some weight issues in my little head?  Yes.  That is probably why.  Regardless, I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS SHOW.Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition follows one person each episode who embarks on an entire year of losing weight with Chris Powell, who is probably someone important but I have no idea who he is.  

Opening credits: Chris takes his shirt off in the beginning credits. Thank you, Chris. 

2:00: Rachel, weight loser #1, was valedictorian and homecoming queen.  I am immediately suspicious that she is mean.  She’s also a first grade PE teacher, which is somewhat troublesome.  But if I remember my first grade PE, I was just playing with parachutes.  

6:00: Episode 1 focuses on Rachel, who is 21 and 220 lbs overweight.  

10:00: First step in her weight loss, Chris takes Rachel to bootcamp.  Do you predict a cryer?  I am betting that she's crying and yelling at him within the first hour of bootcamp.  

12:00: Rachel steps on the freight scale at bootcamp and weighs in at 369 lbs. Wowzers.  I think one of the worst part about these reality weight loss shows is making heavy people take off lots of clothes and show their stomach.  I cannot wear a swimsuit at a normal size (8) without feeling self-conscious.  You go Rachel.  

16:00: Chris is telling Rachel that she was the black sheep.  See above about Homecoming Queen and Valedictorian.  Yesssss, yelling and crying in the first hour.  I win the bet I made with no one.  Who wears mascara to their first bootcamp workout?  
17:00: Wow, Chris Powell is intense, is he crying? Yes he is. I wish I could jump through my television and hug him.  

Commercial break, IS THAT A HARRY POTTER PREVIEW?!?!  Best commercial break ever.  

20:00: Bootcamp is over and now Rachel’s family is coming to run with her at a track.  Chris is making her semi-fit family put on weights so that they can ‘experience’ 369 lbs.  That seems needlessly cruel and Rachel has to keep hearing them talk about how miserable it is.

22:00: Dammit, Rachel gets a home gym from the show so she can workout at home. Does anyone else ever feel like you want to gain weight to get on these shows?  I mean, not REALLY, but she loses a shitload of weight every week and gets free gym equipment!!  And now if she loses 80 lbs in 3 months she gets to go to GREECE? Also Chris Powell lives there for a month?  Wtf!!!!!!

24:00: HOLD UP, Chris just said he wants her to lose 80 lbs in 3 months.   Wasn’t the whole point of this show to watch them over a year so they can lose weight healthily?  

26:00: Rachel loses 80 lbs on the dot and that silly Chris tricked her by telling her she’s not going to Greece, for three more weeks.

27:00: “Let’s don’t not say it and that’s where we should be”-Rachel’s Dad.  Errmmm…what?  Chris starts throwing away their food so they can ‘walk the walk’ and help Rachel.  I’d be pissed if I was one of the normal weight-ers in her household.  They are nicer than me.  

28:00: Chris gives Rachel a new goal to lose 55 lbs in 3 more months.
29:00:  Rachel goes to Greece.  Cannot eat dessert.

30:00: Rachel hurt her foot because no one should exercise 3x every day for 4-5 hours.  Did she quit her job?  That’s a lot of exercising.  Snap, they can’t climb the mountain because Rachel’s foot is f’d.  So she’s jumping off a bridge with Chris instead.  Is that good for a foot? I’m not a doctor, but my guess is no. 

37:00: Ah, jumping off a cliff is a proverbial ‘leap of faith’.  GET IT?  IT’S A METAPHOR.  Sweet, a 40 story drop.  She better do it because otherwise she’s obviously not serious about changing her life.  

38:00: Damn, Rachel lost 50 lbs instead of 55.  She should be really disappointed in herself because that’s only like 6 lbs a week consistently for 6 months.  

39:00: Rachel is walking on her plantar foot and they come to the bridge.  She is under the 250 lb weight limit by far too few lbs for anyone to feel comfortable with jumping into pretty much a pile full of rocks.  

41:00: Chris reveals that if she loses 50-60lbs she can get skin removal surgery.  I’ve always wondered about that on other shows.  Where does it all go?  I saw on Maury once a drag queen who used his (?) extra skin to make boobs.  That is resourceful. 

42:00: Rachel can run further than me.  I am pathetic.  This weight loss show is not making me feel good about myself.  

43:00: Chris calls Rachel ‘Rachie bug’.  Umm…sweet?

47:00: Snap, Rachel only lost 3lbs.  Chris is not happy. Rachie-bug over ate with the shit her parents keep in the house.  Chris whisper-talks to Rachel so she knows he’s sympathetic.  

50:00:  Rachel’s mom is proud of her because she can get her skin removed.  Smilesandheartssss.  

51:00: It’s day 365!!!  Chris says that he specializes in transformation.  Is that a job description?  Sign me the f up.  Rachel’s mom lost weight because Chris starved the family.  Good job Mom!   

54:00: Rachel is revealed and she looks flyyyy.  I hope this show isn’t all about hot fat people, because that’s no fun.  Also, damn that girl is TALL.  

55:00: Aw, she’s going to conquer the world.  Original answer Rachel (it’s ok to be mean to her now that she’s not fat).  Also, not to diminish her props but girlfriend is wearing some mad spanx. 

56:00: ‘Rachie’ is back in full force.  She lost 161 lbs in a year!! Is that healthy??  I don’t know!!  Good job Rachie!  

58:00: They hug and Chris tells her he gave her the key to unlock her potential.  He must have a list of clichés at his beckon call.  

Verdict: Prettyyyy similar to every other weight loss show.  That’s neither good nor bad.  It’s worth another shot.  B.    

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